It is now 5am and this marks the 4th night that I have been unable to sleep, tossing and turning in bed for over 5 hours. I have been thinking, recently, after my thoughts about ending my own life, that I want to write an encouragement letter to you in case I do end my life. I want you to know my last thoughts. This blog represents all my true feelings, my anguish, my hurt, my hopes, and my love. Please take this seriously.
After knowing you for roughly 2 years, a lot and i mean a lot has happened between us and with others. I cannot begin to fathom how things would’ve been different if people had supported us rather than tear us apart. I’m thankful to have known you and glad for the differences you’ve made in my life, minus this last part. Some things I’ve learned are how to fold my clothes, always wash my hands, tying my grocery bags when I put them into the car, saying hi uncle thomas and auntie elisa, what asian snacks are good and which are not, how to truly appreciate great parents, and last of all, how to unconditionally love someone no matter what they do to you.
These things I’ve learned are priceless and I hope that you have learned some things as well that you’ll be able to carry on to your relationship, whether it be Mitchell or someone else or even me (but I really think its going to be Mitchell, knowing you). I really encourage you to be honest with your future significant other. Above all, keep his trust and trust in him. This is the key to all great relationships and especially marriages. I also know that you don’t look highly upon yourself but you should really look at yourself sometime. In the inside, you can be so sweet, yet cold, childish, yet mature, stupid, yet smart. You are a versatile woman in the inside. No one person is perfect though, but God has made each of us like this and to not accept imperfect people is to not accept God’s creation and his love for people. You are unique in your own way, you just don’t realize it. You have your little “habits” that make you, you. Your nails make you, you. We’ve come so far at fixing those nails up and I’m glad we were able to make them look pretty again despite you never ever ever thinking it could be done, but we did it! And I’m glad we were able to accomplish something you never thought would be fixed. Another unique thing about you is your childish ways, especially for whats on TV. I think disney channel is starting to rub off on me because those shows are actually kind of funny. I never thought I would admit to that, but maybe we should watch more of those shows. I also think its great that you love Tom and Jerry. It’s my childhood favorite too! And Fonnie, you’re not “just another girl” either. You’re a very unique girl to me. I’ve used this example before so think about it: I’m almost 23 years old and I’ve never encountered another girl like you in my life. That means a lot! Be confident of yourself, I enjoyed all my moments with you because of who you are and what you are.
When I’m typing this, I think about how you probably don’t care about what I’m saying right now. I respect that. I just want you to know how I feel. However, I feel pathetic for saying all of these things even though we’re not dating anymore and you’ve done such a horrible thing to me and you always ask me why I still love you. I don’t know the answer and I should’ve stopped loving you a long time ago. But something I’ve never told you before is that I want to love like Jesus loved his people. He loved them unconditionally and when they turned their backs on Him, Jesus only turned the other cheek and was humiliated in that way. Similarly, in my relationships, I hold onto these principles, whether you believe or not, of unconditional love. This is why I can take so much hurt. This may not be a good thing, but I want to love the way Jesus loved.
A section dedicated to your parents. I love your parents. I’m sure you’ve heard it so many times. So, I will stop saying that. Now…YOU love your parents. They deserve so much more and you know it. I would give anything to have parents like yours, Fonnie. They are so wise and patient and they really know how to treat you with love. Just please reciprocate back to them.
Finally, know that whatever the future brings, please take care of yourself. Watch out for the bad things in life and deal with those that have already happened. I wish you the best of luck in life and wish you a happy happy future. This ends one chapter in both of our lives and we start another.
Today is September 17th, 2010. I don’t know when I will release this letter to you or better yet, this blog, or if I will ever release this blog out.